August 28th 2015-A New Understanding

28/08/15-Hospital: I arrive at the scan clinic as per my appointment at stupid o’clock. Even the scan people haven’t clocked in yet!

I strode up the hill this morning Cher on the ‘repeat one’ setting- urging me on. Me and Cher kicking cancer’s ass, Cher and me…well technically I’m the one doing the cancer kicking Cher’s actually pretty busy sorting out a rather unruly fellow who appears to think he can treat women folk badly!

“If you can give it, then l can take it
‘cos if this heart is gonna break its gonna take a lot to break it”

Once she puts the lights on and takes her coat off the very softly spoken, kind faced scanner woman brings me a jug of water and a little cup for the decanting of the afore mentioned ‘council pop’, as my nan would say.

I have to try and drink it all- no problemo!- and not wee it all out again before the scan- ah…yes, well…slightly more skill required here with this bladder!!!

The scans are straight forward. The scans are simple. The scans are not painful or uncomfortable in any way.

I sit outside on the pavement in the car park, waiting for my brother to collect me and something inside breaks a little as it dawns on me that my body is no longer mine- it belongs to the medical staff, it belongs to the treatment-as does my time…this is the trade off-for my life.

…and off I go again, falling a little further down the rabbit hole and it’s a painful few moments that realisation, those tiny beginnings of a new understanding and I fight to hold back an ocean from crashing through, fearful that my tears might just drown this diminishing me.

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One thought on “August 28th 2015-A New Understanding

  1. Wish I could be there with you some how. You sound so lonely. I know u are aware we are with you… but in this , you talk of facing the fears alone, physically going through the trauma. You are amazing not just in your strength but in your admission of your vulnerability … that for me is real courage . Xxxx

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