09/03/16-Bed: I can’t tell you how badly I just want to feel normal again.
I’m fed up, truth be told.
Right now in this moment, I’ve had enough.
I can’t be bothered to be brave and courageous and all the other public faces of being a cancer patient.
Today…I’ve had enough!
I don’t want to tell you I’m OK and I feel fine and I’m lucky compared to others.
I don’t want to smile and say it could be worse-today it just bloody couldn’t!
Seven months of smiling through the awfulness, the fear, the sadness, the loss, the pain, the discomfort, the indignity, the loneliness, the side effects, the symptoms, the sympathy-I’ve had enough…
Today I don’t want to help you feel better about my cancer…
TODAY I’VE HAD ENOUGH.
Moments come when I reach my inner limits.
It all feels so relentless.
But in a heartbeat, these moments pass and somehow it becomes ‘doable’ once more.
I retreat to the safety of my home.
I give in to the tiredness that roots me to the sanctuary of my bedroom.
I accept that desire and determination alone cannot move mountains or my bum off my bed.
I feel my mind calm and my patience return.
And this is how my days ebb and flow.