Mostly I blog in retrospect I make notes, make images-continuously…a jumble of thoughts and feelings…the jigsaw pieces that represent the life I lead and more specifically, my journey through the diagnosis, treatment and remission of cancer.
Remission as opposed to recovery because this is the truth of my cancer. This is the reality of breast cancer.
When I have time I edit these rough, raw drafts, translating them into what I imagine to be more digestible chunks. Last summer however, I posted in the raw, a post out of sync with my blog timeline, a message to a friend. Today, I do the same.
It is hard to explain the intimate connection that cancer facilitates between strangers; how it is possible to feel such a depth of love for someone you have never met, such a breadth of respect and admiration for someone you have never even spoken to.
It is hard to convey the overwhelming sadness I’m experiencing for a loss that is not really mine to lose.
Being only virtually close to Meghan Hall, the wonderful and incredible Red Phoenix, it may seem somewhat unbelievable that her life and the impending end of that precious life could therefore impact on me in such an utterly devastating way-but it does.
I am not religious, my only faith is in the incredible strength and beauty of humanity, particularly when faced with life’s ugliness, in all of its disguises. But Meghan made me believe in angels.
Not so long ago during one of our brief communications, I shared with Meghan something I had come to understand from knowing her.
This is my truth.
This is how I know I will find my way through.
This is how I know that I will never lose Meghan…not really…
This is what I wrote:
“I had always wondered where angels came from but I think that I’m beginning to understand now Meghan. Some of them are made here on earth from earthly bodies, carved and moulded and shaped by adversity and burden. The darker and more painful their experience of the world becomes, the brighter and stronger the light inside them shines-though they can’t always see how brightly they shine themselves.”
Beautiful, brave Meghan-a lighthouse in my darkness, a port in my storm. I am truly blessed to have had your life touch mine and in such a profound and amazing way. I promise that I will always carry you in my heart, you will not weigh heavy but will remind me always to wear a smile, always to treasure the time I have been gifted and most importantly of all to spread the love.
Thank you for sharing your journey with me, Meghan.
Goodnight my darling girl, may peace find you soon.